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Saturday, October 22, 2011

point de départ

it has been so long. though no one reads me, I think I should say "forgive me!". I had just finished my first semester. indeed it was tiring. it had torn me out emotionally and physically. the assignments utterly blew my brain away. through the experiences and the tiredness, I have come to another step in the sense of maturity, which is not wholly developed yet. blame me not. I'm still 19 until next January.

I have learned in life, decisions are constantly made. either the tiny one like "should I poop now or next week?" or the life-changing one like "what would I become when I finish my studies?". when I was young, I believed life is like a river. the water flows along the way without knowing where the end is. I let fate decided everything for me, and yet I should had realized that I'm the one who set my own fate. as time goes by, I aware that I have to have a plan on how should I live my life. I have wanted to be a writer since forever, but fate had brought me every where. from science stream to engineering and now stops at teaching field. not that I don't like teaching. I like teaching so much, but it is not enough. I supposed to have the passion to teach those decent children. but at the same time, I want to do what I love to do. I want to be a columnist. yes, I know. my writings are not good enough to qualify myself as a writer. but, I love writing.

in life, I also believe mothers make good decisions for their children. I love my mom. I want her to be proud of me being a person she wants me to be. she wants her daughter to have a sort of secure job. I'm not begging for her understanding, but I plead to have the strength to prove to her that I can be good as she wants me to be despite what would I do for living. so, I take this moment as my starting point to pursue my dreams.

I should start work even harder and keep on be grateful for the bliss granted to me by the most gracious and most merciful, Allah subahanallahi taala.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

pride and prejudice

i believe we, Malaysian are given equal right to speak pertaining to any matter simply to express our opinion.

"Freedom of speech as a human rights as recognized in the Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and recognized in the law of international human rights in the International Covenant on Civil Rights and Political Rights (ICCRPR). ICCRPR recognizes the right of freedom of speech as a right to opinions without interference. All people shall have the right to express an opinion." (wikipedia.org)

so, legally i have the right to opinions about Pertubuhan Kebajikan dan Dakwah Islamiah Malaysia.

PEKIDA is a fundamentally strong association. it was founded by our former prime minister, Tun Haji Abdullah bin Ahmad Badawi. it was founded in line with the principle cultivated by Pak Lah in the Muslim community of Malaysia which is Islam Hadhari. PEKIDA is built to fight for Islam in accordance to the teachings of the Quran and Hadith, to raise the living standards of the Muslim in every way and to establish Islamic-based educational institutions in order to upgrade Muslims on par with others.

it is clearly to see that PEKIDA IS WELL-ORGANIZED. but i'm not here to defend PEKIDA. i'm here to say that there's something wrong among the members of PEKIDA itself.

what is with the title?

rather than busy fighting about the title used in a so called good movie better they start to look around and work hard to eradicate the corruption of youth on the rise. sorry if i wrote something wrong, but frankly, i'm not see the association's contributions in educating the Muslim community with the real appreciation of Islam.

don't ruin the good name of Islam. all those 'ayahanda', they are not a prophet that we need to preserve their title. no matter how high one's knowledge in Islam, we are still and always the servants of Allah. don't let our arrogance and pride distorts our good intentions.

let us think. what is good and what is bad. PEKIDA is a well-founded organization but to be truth, the members of subordinate are the causes to the damaging of this strong-based organization.

Islam is not merely a religion, it is a way of life. do not ruin your religion with pride, arrogance and ripple.

perhaps, i am just a teenager. but still, i have my own stand.

do not discredit what is originally good.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

broken heart

everybody knows what is girls favourite past time. shopping and girls is surprisingly inseparable. i found THIS (do click if you are interested) amazing website selling tons and tons of tremendously good clothes and accessories. mostly vintage and Korean style. but still, i'm in love!! :)

my inner voice is begging for me to buy one. okay, not just one. and hell yeah, they still make that noise until i buy those skirts, jumpsuit and shoes which totally going to blow a hole in my purse. luckily i have this semi wise brain to keep on saying "no!" to my lust for shopping. i love to call my brain 'my semi wise brain' as sometimes i tend to think using my knees without realizing i got this big useful knot in my head.

but till when this semi wise brain of mine could hang on??

i wouldn't know.....

it breaks my heart seeing those clothes. i couldn't buy them for now. but, merely for now.
hehehehe!!!!!!!
(fyi, that is my evil laugh. okay, it doesn't sound like one. fine!)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

cheated


can i start whining again? gosh! i could really feel my temperature reaching to its boiling point. i try to control myself from being the most notorious hobbit in the world.

pleaseeeeeeeee i need to strangle someone!!!! madly badly!

don't say you can help while to be truth you can do nothing. just tell me the truth as i already prepared for it.

come on! be considerate.

you can do anything except picking up my calls?

don't tell me you got no time. don't be such a bimbo. you can blogging and blog walking all day long but picking up my call for less than 5 minutes. i mean like oh my god! seriously babe don't mess with people (as much as i know it is your favourite past time, but still!!!!) because people can whack your hope back even worse until u can't imagine how your life would be on the next day.

don't be such a bragger. you may have the best family, a man that you love so, a brilliant stuck up head. but actually, no one ever like you. i mean really really like you.

girl, don't be so proud of yourself because you are not that great.

i'm not one of your haters but, i'm one of loads of people that you ever cheated on.

good job, girl. you such a great liar.

=)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

the entire and everything


aww... mummy, we look like those bears! hehe


to the one who make my life :-

mummy, we are who we are. completely different person with different opinion. it might become terrifically intense but mummy, nothing in this world could replaced you. i love you till the end of my life and we have such a mind-boggling bond that everybody could die for.

you are the best and nothing is as better as you. i want you to know every moment with you mummy, is the best time ever. sorry for being such an immature young girl and annoyed you all the time. blame me not, mummy. i am a young girl with a messy mind. i'm trying my best to be a good daughter for you. still and always trying as you should earn yourself a good daughter.

you are my mom. you shape my life. you give me tons and tons of guide and advice to go on with life. you have been such a perfect mom. plus, your nag mummy, is a never-ending song in my heart. i love you, mummy. and you taught me that obstacles are way to success. bear it in your mind mummy because we are human. we will never get escaped from loads of hindrance.

thanks mummy for everything. for the drive to everywhere, for the dishes you have cooked for me, for the beautiful outfit you bought, for the pat on my head when i needed you the most, for the nag when i did something terribly wrong, for the support on everything that i put most effort on, for making my dreams come true, for being the best best friend ever, for giving birth to me and particularly for being such
A WONDERFUL MUMMY TO ME!!

enjoy your years of life mummy because you deserve it. you are the most beautiful 45 years old woman ever.

happy 45th birthday to you mummy!
may you live your happy and blissful life forever

lots of love,
your daughter :)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

we and us

to the one who i wish all of the happiness in the world:-

how to not making this post become too cheesy eh? to put in words how much i appreciate your presence in my life is pretty complex. if i could turn back time to the first time we met, i'll be laughing like hell. who wouldn't burst into laugh looking at your ridiculous face? plus with your semi bald hair. gosh! you are my DOPEY. you know what, when i first heard the L word came out from your mouth, i was laughing in my mind(is there any person who laugh in their mind???). blame me not, baby. i wasn't that matured at that time. still, i'm going far away from my sensibility.

each day we see each of us, making huge changes in life. we are not school kids anymore. i'm not that same little girl and you are not that same little boy. i watch you changed from that innocent little boy to a grown up man. i mean it whenever i say i care for you. it feels so great having you around. you make me laugh all the time.

i need you and eleh, i know you need me too. i need you to fix my problems, to drive me to places, to call me when i feel bored, to listen to my whine, to handle the situation when i become so cranky, to wipe my tears when people tell me that i don't know how to write in English, to calm me down when i have my panic attack, to be my punching bag, to be my most loyal best friend, to be my big brother, to protect me, to say 'NO' to me when i beg for an ice-cream. well, apparently i need you for everything.

again, it feels so good having you here, stinky.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

art of whining

my blog is kind of boring isn't it? :)

it's okay. i don't like to share my mellow stories to everyone. so instead of being so cheesy, i'll decide tell you how do my look lays on certain things. there is nothing wrong with it. blog is basically about expressing our feelings to the world. we write down our every single word of heart thoroughly. but guys, sometimes, too revealing could lead to nuisance. tell your story, have it your way, but you are what you write. your image hold onto your way of writing to people. those cheesy and mellow things, lets keep it to ourselves.

let your fingers flow gracefully tapping the keyboard, but write with your mind, not your heart. people would love to read your tale of your wonderful days. but should they know, how crazy in love your are? or how mad you are? or how depressed you are? don't let people judge you before they even lay eyes on you. yes, blog means share your feelings with others. but still, just spare them a bit. not the whole entire story. there are some stories which rather to be kept in our deepest part of heart. it is fine to show off your love. well, everybody does it. but not too much. merely remember the vital part of love is the bond of two hearts. just you and your love one. go ahead show your love, but don't let it astray.

sometimes a simple tiny act could head you straight away to huge agony.

still, and always my blog is boring. :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

trace of footsteps

do you ever feel how bad it is losing something that you love so much? such a horrible feeling. you feel like want to vomit all the time. everything that you swallow taste like coarse sand. every time you want to breathe, you can feel there is a huge blockage blocking your air passage. you want to cry so badly, but your tear ducts are dry. nothing is spilling.

you know it is gone, but you don't know how to let it go. the only sound you heard is the sound it made when you were around. the only way that can make you go on is the memories, but to be truth, you won't stand that long. you feel like want to fall asleep as long as you can and wake up by tomorrow morning pretending that there is nothing wrong. but how could you as every second you spend in your life, it was there. how about the plans you made for it? every step you take, you never stop thinking about it.

how to move on when the only thing you know is being with it? you keep asking to yourself, "could i just sleep and never wake up?". how to continue on when you can't even make a move? how to keep going when you don't know how to breathe without it? the pain of thousands of knives stabbing you chest is nothing compare to what you feel right now. in fact, nothing could describe it.

if you got the chance to talk to it, you would say, "before you leave me, you should teach me how to live without you!". but, who are you, to know everything that had been destined for you. the only thing you can do now is nothing. simply nothing.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

in the deepest part

sometimes TIRED is not enough to describe how exhausted we are. really. these degree matters could just tear my brain apart. what is the best way to handle anxiety? there are lot of 'what if' in my mind. ya Allah, please make it easy for us.

as i grew older, i come to realize that being an adult is difficult. i have to think about every single aspect of life. for a moment, i feel like giving up. but, that is not the solution. at certain time, i could rely on somebody. but, somehow, sometime, i have to move alone.


i know life is hard. i have been told about that million times. but i will never know it is this hard. i need a rest , but i know i can't. life won't stop for me. even for a while. ya Allah, please give me strength to make it happen.
amin.....

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

from 1 to 3

every beginning has their end that appear within our unconsciousness. we know it will come, but to be truth, we never know it will be this fast. along our journey, we found loves. loves that could stay as long as we want in our heart. i know friendship, it will end but not now. not in a million years. till now, all of us still hold onto these love.

when we start to do something, we are so excited till we forgot how it would end. life is about moving from one phase to another. like what we are doing now. we are not a foundation student anymore. we are on our way to become a degree student. see, how time can change us. our obligation is getting bigger.

deep down, we feel that this end bring huge lesson of life to move on and continue our journey. end is just an end. something new will begin and replace it. this end bring us to reminiscing what had we been through, together or alone. by some means, this end is a good end. indeed.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

be gentle, be nice

how does it feels when you see someone violated, not only law of nature, but also law of our religion? i'm not specify only on Islam. in fact, all of the religion in the world are based on same principle, since every religion has God to pray to, to worship. the only thing that differentiate us is to whom we perform our pray. but did we ever heard that the harsh way is the best to counsel people? did you ever think that the moment you start screaming at people for their wrongdoing, you are unconsciously humiliating your own faith?

"jahanam punya perempuan. buka lah tudung tu. pakai tudung tapi pakai nail colour!"

ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the common talk we used to spot, especially while surfing the net. indeed, that person did something wrong, but is it practical enough to literally cursing her like that? there are lot of way to preserve our belief, rather than violence. think before you talk.

now, to my Muslim relatives, we are not taught to preserve the purity of Islam using harsh words. Nabi Muhammad S.A.W, himself using the most kindness conduct that he had to make people love and appreciate Islam. yes, we are not Rasulullah S.A.W. not even close, but we are ordered to follow his sunnah right? come on, my dear brother and sister, lets change. do you know why people afraid of Islam? because Islam is the most gracious religion. we are known by our modesty and gentleness. so, instead of cursing and yelling at others, why don't we persuade them to change? we are not that perfect to insult Allah's creation. lets recap back what sort of mean words had we thrown to others for their mistakes. stay in silence and lets muhassabah.

we are human, we make mistakes. we are not perfect, yet we are not ordered to be perfect. we are told to be ourselves in good ways in order to be a better Muslim. InsyaAllah.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

the love i know

i know how it feels like when you receive something in the way that beyond your expectation. i know what is like having beautiful people stand beside me whenever i need them. i know how to be thankful having them for every single moment of my life. i feel so good, entirely good. i know whenever i stumble, there are hands reaching for mine. i mean it every time i say i love them. words couldn't describe how blissful it is appreciating life within their arms. it is merely a feeling, but it is the most greatest feeling in the world. they are matter to me. love isn't come in a minute, yet it takes forever to let it go. thanks mummy for the love. thanks ayah for the thoughts. thanks rizal for the heart.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

from small to big


i wish i could erase all of mistakes that i have done. i wish i could wipe them out with my little fingers. but mistakes are not that easy to wipe out, not that painless to erase. MISTAKES ARE THE BEGINNING OF DISCOVERY. no doubt about that.

HOW ABOUT REPEATED MISTAKES?
we do that. frequently. regardless of all the tears we spilled, mistakes still been repeated over and over again. we create a deep wounded cut inside our beloveds' heart. it is hurt whenever they say no sorry or promises can stop you from doing it again. sometimes, we never realize. i make myself believe that my mistakes will be haunting me. we are not that noble to be a 'mistakes-proof'. but for how long they will be there? picking back the pieces of their heart? saying to us it's okay?

WHAT IF THERE IS AN END?

what if they will be so tired? instead of hugging us, they will push us away. one day it will happen. since there is no heart left to be revamp, leaving is the best decision.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME...

for every single thing that i have done, i beg for forgiveness. i have nothing to defense myself. i will do mistakes again, despite how simple it is. please scold me and i will fix it. i promise to myself to try not to do same mistakes again. i know how lame it sounds. but, how i never tired promise to be nice you, that how u should never be tired accepting me.


Saturday, April 16, 2011

acquaintance.

i love the fact that all of us are friends.
i love the moment we make it fun.
i love the fact that we still the same.
i love the fact that we still be there.
i love the memory of we being close.
i love the second when we laugh.
i love the time when we cry.
i love the minute when we fight for our future.
i love the way we hold our ambitions.
i love all the bewildering when we figure out
how difficult being an adult.
i love when we come to grasp that life isn't that easy.
i love when we tell each other to be strong
and face the precision.
i love the time when i fall in love with one of you.
i love that i still am falling in love.
i love the fact that my friends are like clover.

so hard to find, yet so easy to love.



ultimately to my BFF-mummy and Rizal
to all my wondrous friends- 1A, 2A, and 3A Foundation in B.Ed (TESL)

Monday, April 11, 2011

april, 12

Malaysian University English Test

Ya Allah, can't it sounds any scarier? i will be having my speaking test tomorrow. i'm in deep trouble. bottomless and thick trouble. what if i failed this one? what if i will get only band 1? i need to get at least band 4. with my abilities, will i able to achieve that?
my heart couldn't stop shivering. it is like the matter of life and death. okay, it is not that deep though. i hope i will nail it.

please dear Allah, bless my baby, me and my fellow friends. please give us the serenity and tranquility to face our MUET test. help us to be super duper eloquent on that day.
amin....

Sunday, April 10, 2011

songs of heart

i'm not the kind of person who loves nowadays songs. i like some of them but not all of them. to me, the melody is good and catchy but its ruined by the insignificant lyrics. there is no real meaning of songs. songs are created to unify people, to teach mankind how to get through the obstacles, to give us a lesson of life, to celebrate love, to show appreciation.

i was born in 1992. basically, i'm equally exposed similar to other teens out there. but to the truth is i'm an oldies person. i love old songs. Wham, Scorpion, Debbie Gibson, Bonnie Taylor, Cindy Lauper, Bon Jovi. you name it, i love most of them. i feel like i was born in their era. my mom's era. i love their songs. usually, i will fight with my cousins when we get into the car. he is literary hear to hitz.fm day and night. he would yell at me when i tune to lite.fm and typically my rizal will defend me as he is the old songs fan too. in fact, the first time i hear about him (even though he was my classmate) was when my English teacher, Miss Laila told how impressed she was, reading rizal's essay with the usage of hotel california-the eagles lyrics. i was too! truthfully, he is better than me.

okay back to my main point, some people like the way old songs bring out the emotion of the melody. but some says old songs are only for old people. clearly, that is a vague assumption. some also say nowadays songs are more fascinating than the old ones.

last but not least, people are different but yet, they are similar.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

not again?????

i received a pretty shocking news just now. through facebook to be exact. my ex-schoolmate is engaged. whatta?? for real??

i been scolding myself for twenty mins ago. darn it! i'm nineteen. basically, she is nineteen too. it is suitable age to get engaged with someone. well, in my opinion, nineteen is too early to get engaged, yet to get married. too small to hold onto huge commitment. but when the jodoh comes, no one can fight it. it is a destiny that we, as a human can't change.

if i decide to get engaged this early, my mummy will chase me around the house with the biggest pot she owns.

i still assume myself as my mum's little girl and my baby's little sayang. i'm not that grown up. i'm still not prepare to hold onto that commitment. but apparently, some of my friends around my age has decided to tie the knot as quickly as they can. get engaged at nineteen, married at twenty and have kids at their early twenties.

my time will come. sooner or later. i just want to wait. don't want to plan, don't to set up high hope. when the right moment has come, someone will be my fiancée. it's all about the right moment and the perfect person.

to MIMI AFIZA, you may not read my blog or may not remember me. but never mind. congratulation on your beautiful engagement ceremony. hope you and you fiancée will make it last till blissful marriage. amin.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

getting married?????

how does it feels? not that i'm gatal-ing. hesy! i just want to know what it is like having someone by your side. it is more than merely having boyfriend, isn't it? i'm talking about having a man, who we called 'husband' in our life. sincerely, i do feel scared thinking about one day i could be somebody's wife. the thoughts that i have to bestow upon him my life dawdle me from really get into the exciting mode when it comes to marriage. it is not only you are facing the new phase of your life, frankly, it is more than that. it is sort of a vow you make not only to yourself, but also to your husband. i come to realize that marriage is actually beautiful when you know how to organize it well, when you have the spirit of team work, the unconditional love, consideration, be prepared to receive each others' flaws. marriage is utterly a sacred promise to live a life together. it is not a normal relationship that you can back off from it anytime. it is not as easy as ABC, indeed it is more difficult than phonology (don't know what is phonology? then, good for you. hehe) in a simple say, marriage is not easy, yet so unpredictable. beyond our expectation, indeed. as far as i know, when the right time has come, i'll face it like a grown up woman. insyaAllah. dear Allah S.W.T, please give me the strength to hold onto my feeling towards him. please let me say, 'he is the one'. for once and for all, i just need to be by his side. he is the only person who can say 'you always do something crazy, but still i love you so much'. how can i stop loving a person who completely love me for who i am? through thick and thin, love, i will be there for you. we'll make it last. insyaAllah.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

mummy...sayang adik x?


i always ask my mum that question and the answer is always



"tengok dulu!"

or

"ape yg adik dah buat??"




mummy ni! but you know what i never tired asking that question. i know deep inside her heart only god knows how much she loves me.



dear mummy,
you are my everything. you show me how hard life is and how strong we have to be. no matter what kind of trial god gives us, we can get through it mummy. adik sayang mummy sangat2. even i can be so 'nakal' and stubborn at certain time, but you won't give up on me right? mummy once told me that you don't regret what had happened in your life, because you got a beautiful daughter like me. you touch my heart, mummy. in every single way, you are the best. it is so blessed being a daughter of a mother like you. i remember u told me that the moment you got through the hardest phase of your life, i came and gave you a very wonderful life. i'm the cure to any of your pain. mummy, you are my strength. you have been protecting me since forever. now, mummy i'm your 19 years old daughter. i'm not that little girl anymore, who always abandon her homeworks for playground, who would burn your rm1 only on 5 ice cream malaysia, who would disturbing you when she couldn't sleep at night (well, apparently, i'm still doing it. hehe) i'm your grown up daughter now mummy syg. i have to face this life by my own. it is not that i don't need you anymore. how can i live without you? give me this chance to learn my own life. let me fall. let me get hurt. i know life isn't that great. i know you want to do everything that you can to keep me from harm. let me fly and if i fall, just let me be. i will get up by myself and look at you and thank you for your presence. i love you so much mummy. that won't change. one more thing, don't ask me if you look okay, because you know the answer.
i love you just the way you are.

muaxx!!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

oath of love

at certain circumstances, we come to realize how a simple act can lead to huge agony. we ask everything we want from our beloveds. we are blinded with their promise to fulfill what we need, but we forgot that they are human, just like us. they can't play god accomplishing our needs. they are just ordinary people. they have their disabilities. as a person who deeply in love with them, putting them in that situation could wholly kill their heart, not entirely dead though but the pain won't leave. embrace what have they gave to us because every second is a chance for us to be with them. don't ever blow that away. life is not entirely about us. it's about we and them. we and the person we care about. we fight the battle, which is life in every single moment of our life. sometimes we tend to fight against our beloveds. it's life, it's truth. but the real thing is we and them are both at the same side, same team. we recite our oath the moment we fall in love. we put on our love, it may a sort of paradox to wholly discover, but it's more than anything. because, truly, love interprets the meaning that precisely portrays what is life.